


us, now

by kenvis



Category: VIXX
Genre: Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:29:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22015663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenvis/pseuds/kenvis
Summary: it’s okay, sanghyuk wants to say—but it isn’t. you’ll be okay, sanghyuk wants to say— but he doesn’t.
Relationships: Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk/Lee Jaehwan | Ken
Kudos: 17





	us, now

**Author's Note:**

> i've missed vixx and writing so so much but first year of uni's kept me SO BUSY i can't even explain how,, but i finally managed to write a lil something during this holiday break, please enjoy ;-;
> 
> slightly inspired by a CC prompt! https://curiouscat.me/hwanrem/post/1030935901

\--

“what— brings you here?”

it takes all of sanghyuk to maintain a somewhat calm tone and composure despite the massive wave of emotion currently surging through his soul— before him stands jaehwan, bottle of soju in hand, clad in a black trenchcoat which runs way down to his little ankles, making him look— smaller than he already is. upon seeing sanghyuk, the left corner of jaehwan’s upper lip pulls upwards— the all-too-familiar jaehwan smirk hits sanghyuk even harder— his heart might’ve just skipped a beat. jaehwan’s eyes crinkle up just slightly, and sanghyuk _might’ve_ noticed the dulled sparkle in his eyes, quite unlike how bright those orbs used to shine years ago (- _or could it just be the cold?_ )— but other than that, and besides a few extra little (pretty) wrinkles etched across his forehead and around his mouth— the jaehwan before him stands just as tall, just as charming.

just like the jaehwan sanghyuk had fallen in love with, years ago.

_(and sanghyuk is once again forced to come to terms with the fact that he’s still very much in love)_

“what can i say?” jaehwan chuckles— oh, how much sanghyuk had _missed_ that pretty voice— “christmas came a day early i guess,” jaehwan gently waves the bottle of soju and whispers, “brought you a little something.”

a little sniff snaps sanghyuk out of his temporary malfunction and back to reality. “it’s kinda chilly out here, on this very _cold_ winter night of christmas eve” jaehwan _whines_ —almost, “let me in already, will you?”

“ah _shit_ — sure, sure, hyung, come on in man,” sanghyuk hurriedly throws an arm around jaehwan’s shoulders to bring him into the house and the momentary contact—first in a long time— sends brilliant shudders down sanghyuk’s spine. “i’m so sorry i didn’t notice, i needed— needed some time to process that—”

“that the _oh-so-great_ lee jaehwan is standing before you?”

sanghyuk smiles. that _is_ lee jaehwan, right there. “yes, yes— that you’re _really_ here, that it’s not just a dream”

(its embarrassing, almost, the one too many times sanghyuk had dreamt of this day)

“ah, so much better in here, so nice and warm,” jaehwan tugs his coat off— revealing the fuzzy white turtleneck jaehwan had on underneath, the one sanghyuk had _loved_ so much— and gently places it onto the rack behind sanghyuk’s door. “also, your new place looks really good,” jaehwan awes as he strolls through the cosy apartment, a bounce to his step, almost like a child visiting Disneyland for the first time, marvels at several details of the interior décor. “the marbling of the kitchentop is _gorgeous,_ ” sanghyuk watches, dazed, as jaehwan’s slender fingers dance lightly across the smooth surface. “the chandelier is so pretty, too—” jaehwan’s pink mouth gapes open just slightly as he gazes upwards— “love that yellow mood going on up there,” jaehwan smiles and looks to sanghyuk, sat on the sofa. “you know i absolutely hate the glare of white light,” to which sanghyuk nods, fleeting memories of how jaehwan never failed to complain about the lighting of their old dormitory.

“might i add that the general vibe of this interior décor is strangely _familiar,_ ” jaehwan smiles as he plops onto the snug space sanghyuk had left beside him on the sofa.

“it _would_ be,” sanghyuk feels his face heat up gradually, and hopes his cheeks aren’t too visibly red, but it’s hard with that cheeky _knowing_ smile on jaehwan’s handsome face—so, so close. so strange, the tickling prickles all over his skin. it surely doesn’t feel like _years_ have passed since the lat time they were this— _intimate_. “i know you know,” sanghyuk’s voice trembles just slightly. “took reference from the outline we had put together years before. time has really _flown_ by.”

_it feels just like yesterday— jaehwan and sanghyuk, sweet young lovers, drawing out various layouts and browsing through countless iKEA catalogues for the furniture of their future dream living space—_

“by the way—” sanghyuk tries to interrupt his train of thought before he gets too _sentimental_ and soft— “i don’t remember telling you the address to my new apartment hyung, how’d you find your way here?”

“you sent it in the groupchat, dummy,” sanghyuk lets out an exagerrated exclamation as jaehwan playfully knocks him over the head. “that time, before you held your— your _housewarming event_ ,” jaehwan says, and sanghyuk detects the drop in volume, the slight _guilt_ tainting the word _housewarming_ as jaehwan had said it, notices the sad fall of jaehwan’s soft brows as the word slips past his tongue. at this, sanghyuk feels a bitter twist in his stomach. earlier this year, all members _but_ jaehwan had attended his housewarming party. jaehwan— had something crop up at the very last minute. _or so he said._

“yes, i remember now… hyung had _something_ on—”

“how are the members?” jaehwan cuts in, hurriedly reaches out to grab the bottle of soju he’d set on the table. sanghyuk watches as jaehwan’s pretty fingers wrap around the girth of the bottle, watches as crystal clear liquid pours smoothly into two shot glasses. jaehwan takes both glasses in either hand, brings one close to his lips (pretty pink, dry from the winter cold)— and offers the other glass to sanghyuk, who accepts with thanks. jaehwan was clearly avoiding the question— and sanghyuk knew, sanghyuk _understood_.

“they’re doing… _well_ , generally,” sanghyuk’s a little wary of his choice of words at this point, catches a quick glance at jaehwan who smiles and nods as he downs his second? _third?_ shot. a cherry flush creeps slowly across jaehwan’s face, a faint tint on his incredibly soft looking cheeks and deepening in colour on the tip of his long nose.

sanghyuk wants to take that perfect face into his hands and lay kisses on every inch of skin. he doesn’t, though.

“great to hear,” jaehwan chuckles, and sanghyuk tries his best to ignore the slight _bitter_ tinge, the slight crack in jaehwan’s voice— sanghyuk drowns it out with the bitter taste of the first shot of soju he takes.

“ _yeah_ ,” sanghyuk continues, pours himself another shot. “wonshik’s stuck with composing, bin’s grown quite popular as a streamer, as you may know,” to which jaehwan laughs. he’d made _quite_ a few cameos in bin’s streams way back. none recently, though. “mine and hakyeon hyung’s shared café is doing pretty decently, i must say… recently business has shown steady growth.” sanghyuk pauses, and jaehwan groans as he watches the edges of sanghyuk’s lips tug up into a cheeky smirk. “must be the _irresistible_ lure of my charming face plastered outside the shop.”

“yeah sure,” jaehwan pinches sanghyuk’s cheek, and holds his touch for just a little _longer_ than usual. “you haven’t changed _one bit_ , hyukkie.”

voice laced with familiar affection. sanghyuk feels warmth spreading across his face. hopefully his cheeks weren’t too red. if they were, it’s definitely caused by jaehwan’s pinch. one thing for sure, it’s not sanghyuk blushing. _definitely_ _not._

“a-anyway, moving on… taek’s doing pretty well with his just-released, entirely self-composed ballad album, slow melancholy songs appealing to the weary middle-aged population-" jaehwan rolls his eyes and slaps sanghyuk's thigh at his playful remark. "oh come _on_ hyung, we both know how true this is," sanghyuk laughs. "as we age, our target audience should, likewise, age too."

"god," jaehwan groans, " how i wish i could disagree with you sanghyukkie-" jaehwan runs his fingers through his hair, ruffles the soft brown strands apart, before staring dead into sanghyuk's eyes. "but it's so true," jaehwan sighs and sanghyuk attention is suddenly drawn to the bags beneath jaehwan’s eyes, darkened and more prominent with age. a contrast to the way his plush lower lip puffs outwards just so slightly, so naturally adorable. "we're getting old and,” jaehwan downs a shot and his expression _twists_ with the taste, “— _miserable._ ”

and now, the unanswered question. waiting to be asked. _dreaded_. but sanghyuk knows he’s got to ask.

“and hyung, how have _you_ been?”

jaehwan laughs but does not say a word, downs yet another shot. sanghyuk looks at the bottle. nearly finished. he looks to his side, watches with his breath held as jaehwan’s eyes slowly close, dark delicate lashes flutter against his cheek. a moment of _silence_.

“the members… _we_ really missed you, you know?”

_i really missed you._

continued silence. sanghyuk, too, feels his eyelids weighing down. could be the soju, could be the peaceful atmosphere they’d both naturally settled into— sanghyuk does not fight the urge, closes his eyes and listens carefully to the beautiful song of his and jaehwan’s rhythmic breathing, accompanied with the sound of a light rainshower from the outside, and the crackling of fire from the warm fireplace—

their song is briefly interrupted by a rustling noise, and sanghyuk, dazed, opens his eyes to see jaehwan curling up to lean in further against his own body, warm and broad and inviting. jaehwan buries his face into the crook of sanghyuk’s neck, shallow breaths hot against sanghyuk’s sensitive skin. arms snake around sanghyuk’s waist and they cling _tight._

“hold me?” a tiny, cracked voice squeaks from sanghyuk’s neck. sanghyuk brings a hand to cradle the back of jaehwan’s head, fingers threading through the softest strands at his nape. another hand goes behind to curl around jaehwan’s pretty waist. at this point, sanghyuk isn’t sure if it’s the drive from the alcohol or— simply from how much he’s _missed_ jaehwan, how much he’s _longed_ for this moment, ever since the last time, _years_ back— fingers slipping beneath the hem of jaehwan’s turtleneck to gently cup the precious curve of jaehwan’s small waist. jaehwan’s skin is warm, so warm, so familiar. _so familiar._

“i won’t say i’m doing good,” jaehwan speaks, soft. “you know me _too_ well, hyukkie. no point trying to pretend,” jaehwan chokes up, and sanghyuk’s heart twists as he feels dampness on his neck. “no point trying to pretend i’m alright when _you_ know that things are far from okay,” jaehwan looks up and sniffs. tired eyes shiny and red rimmed— the sight of it breaks sanghyuk’s heart, shatters it into a million pieces. sanghyuk brushes the damp hair from jaehwan’s face, brushes away the fresh tear escaping from the corner of jaehwan’s tear-brimmed orbs.

 _it’s okay_ , sanghyuk wants to say—but it isn’t. _you’ll be okay_ , sanghyuk wants to say— but he doesn’t.

“i’m _truly_ happy for all of you, seeing success in your various ventures. so incredibly happy,” jaehwan’s arms tighten around sanghyuk’s waist, “but my life’s been so, so miserable… and i can’t even… bring myself to describe how _alone_ i’ve been feeling on my own journey.”

“all along i’d thought being a musical actor was the sole way to go for me. i’d always tell myself, struggles are inevitable, but it’ll all be worth it because i’m pursuing my dream career,” jaehwan pauses, and shakes his head slowly. “but that isn’t the case. you know why you’ve not heard from me all this time? it’s because there’s nothing to hear about— just me, working non-stop. juggling two, three musicals a time, all minor roles. yes, _very_ different from the times we were still active as a group. i thought i had it secured, i thought my future was set—” jaehwan pauses to down the remaining soju left in the bottle. sanghyuk, _crestfallen_ , watches— and does not stop him.

“but the industry is so _cruel._ i should’ve known better, right? it’s showbiz after all, they all work the same. who cares about experience when you have countless newer, more popular actors being introduced every week? and then i realised my motive was failing. my desire to land roles was no longer driven by my passion to pursue my dream— i just wanted, i had to stay _relevant_ to survive, that was all. _none_ of it brought me joy, anymore.”

“ _hyung_ ,” is all that sanghyuk manages to choke out. he wants, so badly, to respond to jaehwan’s sudden frank outburst, to provide comfort, provide assurance, provide love— but the sentences don’t form, the words don’t come out. sanghyuk tightens his hold on jaehwan’s waist— as if hoping, somehow, that it would convey everything that he couldn’t _say_.

“i know i could and _should_ have reached out,” jaehwan continues. “but my _pride_ ,” jaehwan pauses, and finally looks into sanghyuk’s eyes, after averting eye contact for so long, “—my pride was the thing holding me back, these few months, years. i felt embarrassed, to say to least, to approach you— the members, regarding my miserable situation— and so it’s dragged this far.” jaehwan’s gaze falls down, his fingers curl tight in the soft material of sanghyuk’s sweater. “but it’s been too overwhelming to bear recently— here i am… i guess.”

“oh _hyung,_ ” sanghyuk chokes, and jaehwan sees the unusual shine in sanghyuk’s eyes. “oh _sweet_ jaehwan hyung,” sanghyuk can’t stop his own hot tears from running down as he brushes away the tear tracts on jaehwan’s soft cherry cheeks, “i’m so sorry you felt that way hyung, i’m so fucking sorry, you said it was your pride holding you back from seeking advice and comfort from us but i, too— _my_ pride was holding me back from checking up on you since the last time we embarked on our different journeys and parted ways, hyung. you have no idea how much i’ve been longing for you.” sanghyuk brings jaehwan into a tight, tight embrace. it feels so— _right_. why couldn’t they have reached this conclusion earlier? if _only_ , such raw confessions weren't so hard to make. 

_if only._

“not a day i haven’t stopped missing you, missing the times we spent together— not a single day i haven’t stopped _loving_ you,” sanghyuk pauses, shoulders dropping with a sudden relief, "—and yet i didn’t act on it, couldn’t bring myself to try.”

the rhythmic patter of rainfall has gotten louder, now accompanied with the occasional clap of threatening thunder— the _harshness_ of the brewing storm outside is balanced out by the loud crackling from the warm fireplace, bright orange sparks dance about joyfully— they bring much _comfort_.

in the midst of worldly tumult, in each others’ tight embrace— sanghyuk and jaehwan find _rest._

“i love you,” jaehwan finally breaks the silence. plants the _softest_ kiss on sanghyuk’s nape. “i understand.”

“i love you _more_ ,” sanghyuk exhales, blood rushing through his veins. “i’m so, so grateful you came today,” sanghyuk tightens his embrace, before pulling away gently to place firm hands on jaehwan’s tense shoulders. “so _listen_ here, hyung. please, _please_ take a break for now. write a letter to your management. a short break from work to engage in other meaningful activities is all you need.” sanghyuk’s chest warms as he sees how jaehwan’s expression is way more relaxed than when he first arrived— like a huge burden had been _lifted_ off his shoulders. “take time off to spend with family, friends, to do the things you loved to do. volunteer at an animal shelter, pick up gardening, anything to take your mind off things and to truly reflect on what you truly want to pursue. _hell_ , hit me up to volunteer with our café too if that’s up your alley.”

“you’re absolutely right, sanghyuk” jaehwan smiles, wrinkles framing his pretty face, “the idea of this definitely isn’t new to me, i’ve pondered over it quite a few times before— i just needed someone to tell me, _assure_ me of my decision.” jaehwan cradles sanghyuk’s face in his soft, soft hands— “ _thank you_.”

“and i just _know_ ,” sanghyuk takes jaehwan’s hands from his face, fingers interlocking— gives jaehwan’s hands a tight, loving squeeze. “i just know that _you’ll be okay_.”

“i really do hope so," jaehwan whispers, the prettiest breathy sound.

“ _ah_ and i just recalled—” sanghyuk’s face lights up all of a sudden, “it just _so_ happens i need a helping hand to set up my christmas tree tomorrow for my family gathering at night… i assume you’re staying the night, hyung? it’s _late_ and _dark_ and _cold_ and _scary_ outside, not safe for you to travel back now. so hyung might as well stay and help me with the set up and décor tomorrow morning! we can catch a christmas movie together while we’re at it, how’s that sound?”

“you’re… _terrible_ ,” jaehwan groans. _i love you so much_ , is what he means. “sounds like a plan— i’m in.”

“also, do text the groupchat to ask for a meet up soon, hyung. the members really, really missed you. they’d be _thrilled_ beyond words to hear from you, i can’t even imagine their reaction.”

ah, _yes_. that’s been waiting, too.

“i will, right now.”

\--

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for making it thus far, i'm sorry for bad writing and disappointment and unnecessary sadness, not writing for a whole ass Year has really made writing so Tough ugh 
> 
> but if you appreciate it please do show me some love xoxo i've missed all of you ;a;


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